All The Feels After Forty

At forty, I'm probably not supposed to wake up to eat cake with my coffee, but would you look at this delish, delish strawberry cake!!! I have to brag on my sister real quick... My family told me how she stepped up to help my husband pull some details together, including decorations and this homemade cake that apparently took her days to complete because of the bake, freeze and then ice process. Mmm Mmm Mmm, it's so good, and I think you'd also eat it for breakfast! (Maybe I can get her to provide the recipe? Ya'll be sure to check back here for a link.)

So, today, I woke up having ALL. THE. FEELS. Have you had these days? You know, sentimental like?

As I stand in the kitchen, in one that my mother raised me, freezing left overs from this fabulous surprise birthday party from my husband, I can't help but to remember all the other birthdays I shared here with my family and some other really good people.

I am so very thankful for the people God has put in my life. You've all helped mold me into who I am today. It might sound selfish to say "I am proud of who I've become", but without self-worth & self-appreciation, who would we be? So, I say it loud & proud. Sure, I have flaws, areas that still need a lot of improvement, but I also have acknowledgement & awareness of those things that need special attention. (Can't say I had such self-awareness at 21 or even 30.)

At Forty...

Let's be honest. As our birthdays approach faster & faster throughout the years, they bring a range of emotions that might look a bit like a heart rate - up & down, up & down. Though depending on your attitude, you might hear the music behind that beat!

As my B I G  4 O approaches, I find myself listening to the music from my almost forty year old library because when I was young, I truly expected forty to be have that "over the hill" feeling or maybe even "life is over at forty" feeling. For me, thirty was much harder. The music I hear today reflects acceptance, adventure, authenticity, change, gratitude, kindness, love and an abundance of memories! Maybe I see the glass half-full, as compared to thirty I saw the glass half-empty. It doesn't really matter. I'm here. I survived the last decade, and I have a boatload of experience, wisdom and memories to prove it.

I am looking at 40 as 4 perfect 10's because though there maybe a lot of difference between twenty & forty, some things that are the same-same-but-different. So, if you're about to hit this milestone, as I will in a week, think about some facts that are resonating with me.

• At forty, I still cherish memories as if I was creating a high school yearbook, but at forty, that yearbook is in pieces. The memories are spread throughout drawers & boxes because I printed pictures, I saved a magazine clipping, but I no longer have time to even put them in one place, much less find time to put them in a photo album or a scrapbook.
• At forty, I still dream like nothing can stop me, but at forty, I dream for others more than myself.
• At forty, I still think of others, but at forty, the hand written note that I wrote them is found under a pile of mail that was misplaced and might never make it to the mailbox, much less get handed to them.
• At forty, I still look at my surroundings trying to notice the beauty in this world, but at forty, my goggles are forty years old. I see with more clarity. At forty (not at thirty), I love swapping my forty-something goggles for toddler goggles.
• At forty, I still say I am sorry, but at forty, I don't wait for perfect timing.
• At forty, I still get disappointed, but at forty, I seek God's wisdom & comfort, rather than justice.

Parenting Dilemma

After a day outside with the family, playing hard, this mama needs some prayers. My sweet boy fell into the lake, not once but twice, yesterday. (Hold-on, haters! He was under adult supervision.) He definitely panicked, probably swallowed some nasty water, and may have created a healthy fear of water for the time being... Lake water intake may have also led to #pukeonislefour. That's right! I cleaned this up twice, after bedtime. YAS! Moms know what that means; clean the kid and get him comfy, oil him up (Thieves essential oil blend on the feet and Tummygize... well, you get the drift), strip the bed, wash the contents of the bed in the sink and then throw them in the washer, remake the bed... but wait, all his favorite blanket are in they wash... so, oil him up again (Valor to the rescue) and snuggle long enough to see if he can go back down without puking! No? Okay, round two...

You get the picture, but wait; then, I am told about secondary drowning which I've never heard about. Panic! Google! Panic again! Is my kiddo gonna survive the night or drown in his sleep? I had to check him 10 times before finally going to sleep at 1 am. Did I mention, I had the monitor volume all the way UP for the first time ever? Oh, and I was up checking him every few hours throughout the night... I'm a tired mama today, who is still a little stressed out (enter Stress Away essential oil)!

#MyBoy has remained himself, showing no signs of troubled breathing, fatigue or other odd behavior, since incident one. So, here's the dilemma... am I being too confident in my parenting by avoiding a trip to the doctor? Should I be "better safe than sorry" and take him in for overnight observation even though we are safely past the 24 hour mark? What would you do, if you're a mom and in my shoes?

Use the comments to share your stories or give me feedback about what you would do in this situation. I look forward to the dialog because I'm only a mom of one, yet the eldest child of 6. I don't panic often, and I typically choose trust in my intuition.

Surviving Disappointment

Disappointment comes in all shapes and sizes, but how do we manage the emotional roller coaster?

Sometimes it takes time to work through personal disappointment before one can be ready to share the experience. I am here on this topic today because I have had enough time to process my own disappointment. My family has experienced a loss, and it's been difficult working through the emotions that come with it. What have we lost? A baby. We had a miscarriage.

We want to grow our family, and after the first, long experience of trying to conceive, we were pleasantly surprised that it only took 3 months to conceive this child. I am aware of miscarriage statistics for the first trimester, so I was super hesitant to share the news of this pregnancy without confirming a heartbeat.

In week 7, I started bleeding which led me to believe maybe we were going to lose the baby, but I didn't panic knowing that some women do this throughout their pregnancies. I got in with the doctor by week 8, and we were able to confirm the pregnancy through a urine test and ultra sound. The doctor said we had a "strong heartbeat". Blood work for thyroid and progesterone levels was next to assure I was taking care of myself. I was sent home with instructions to take it easy, but I was confident this baby was okay, after hearing and seeing such a strong heartbeat.

Within 24 hours, I received a call from my nurse saying that I had low progesterone levels and needed to pick up and start a prescription right away. Of course. I felt great, never had any severe cramping or other symptoms of miscarriage, and within a week of starting this prescription, I stopped bleeding. I was so thankful and excited about my next appointment.

In week 10, I went back to the doctor. (Might I add, I took #MyBoy. I told him we were going to see our baby on the TV!)  As soon as the doctor started the ultra sound, I started to panic and with a gasp said, "I don't see anything." He replied, "I don't either."

Immediately, I felt loss, sadness, disappointment, and I felt guilt for having my son with me to witness the emotions that followed. "How could I have missed this?" "How could this happen without me knowing?"

They put me in a private room where I was given time to collect my emotions. The doctor then came in to explain why miscarriages happen and tried to reassure me that this wasn't my fault. He answered other questions that I had, and closed with the fact that we could try again after having one full cycle.

The days that followed were hard and super sad. My husband was out of town for work. Until he was able to put his arms around me, I was not truly able to start healing. I guess I needed to share the loss with him first. I'm thankful my family was nearby and sensitive to my needs, surrounding me with space, childcare, support, but mostly love.  Within a few weeks, I had some previously scheduled time with some of my closest girlfriends too. Wow! God knows our needs!

Some might think that I've recovered quickly. Does that mean I am not sad enough? Does that mean I don't feel a loss, or that I have used a few coping methods that helped me sort through the emotions quickly? Let me clarify. I don't think I'll ever recover from this loss. I'll never forget, but here is what I can tell you has been helpful for me to sort through the emotions and keep my positive outlook.

Prayer. Often, we want to ask God "why?" Never, in the past, has this given me the answers I was needing, so I have learned to trust Him; to trust His purpose & plan, even when I don't know it nor understand it. I continue to pray that God gives me the will to take care of my family, understanding that His reasons are the best for my earthly family, and strength to smile and provide a happy environment for #MyBoy. He has blessed me with one child who depends on me, and needs me to love him, care for him, and teach him how to survive in this world in which we live... and it comes with sadness and sorrow. I pray that I navigate it gracefully.

Writing. I have always used a journal for my thoughts, but if you're reading this, you see that I'm starting to share my thoughts with the world through blogging too. It's therapeutic to discover your feelings are shared by others and you're not a lone in this world. When you first experience that your story positively affects someone else, it feels right... then you keep doing it!

I thought about keeping this experience to myself, or waiting until we possibly conceive again. None of that felt authentic to myself. If others can add words that will help console my emotions, I need them. If my share helps others through their own loss, I want them to have my support. Last, I did not want to share this after successfully conceiving again because I didn't want to take away from the rawness of these emotions and my experience.

Essential Oils. I immediately looked up which oils to use after the loss of a loved one. Forgiveness and Ylang Ylang were listed, so I diffused them for 2-3 days straight. No Doubt, I believe they helped me sort through the sadness and roller coaster of emotions that immediately followed the news of our miscarriage.

My family later informed me of the moment they knew I would be okay. It was about a week and a half after I received the news. Of course, we all need time to process, to cope, but I am not sure I would be ready to share this story, if I had not gone through this process of surviving disappointment.

If you have experienced disappointment and need me to remember you in my prayers or want to share the coping methods that helped you process disappointment, please share in the comments below.

XOXO,
TT

Mommy Transition

Photo Credit to PregnancyandBaby.com

This will probably be a short and sweet little post, but I can't help to write about the current transition I am in and ask if any of you other mommy's felt the same way when you were in this stage?

I have a 17 month old, amazing little boy. I have new baby fever - I really want #2. I really love motherhood. Yet, I'm in the stage of finding myself after baby, so I need time to do things that make me feel accomplished; such as, writing & other things I love and interaction with other adults.

I feel guilty when I consider leaving #MyBoy in the care of someone else to fit some of these things into my life, but I cannot chase him around and do these things too.  So, how did you find a balance between full-time mommy and finding time for self or is it just not my turn yet?

Please comment below to start the discussion.

Losing Those We Love

I have lost a handful of important people in my lifetime and experienced more than a handful of insufferable losses.  On November 24, 2012 I lost another friend, who many would consider too young to die.  The death of Charles P. Cooper IV (Proctor or Coop, as many of us knew him) has heightened my senses of these loved ones.  Though Coop and I were not currently a part of each other’s everyday lives, I find myself thinking of him daily.  These thoughts and memories lead me into my prayers for everyone who was a part of his everyday life.  They will continue living without him.  His wife and daughter, along with his unborn daughter due to join this world on Christmas Eve, will have to move forward living a life on this earth without the one person most important to them.  Though it sounds so insensitive, it is reality.  The road will be sad and happy, hard and fun.  Thankfully, time does heal, as cliché as it sounds.  I pray that all of those closest to Coop are able to find a way to keep him close, as I have found a way to hold my loved ones close to my heart and soul.

In my experience, reminiscing through conversations, experiences, and photos helps to enhance my dreams.  At night when I close my eyes, I find the chance to spend time with my loved ones once again.  If spending time with them in my dreams is all I get for now, I’ll take it because the sense of picking up where we left off is so consoling; we talk, laugh and experience things together that are possible on earth.  Though they are only dreams, it often feels so real and it helps me to never forget!  It comforts me and guides me through life.  My dreams are where I can bring these people back into my life, if only for a instant.

Since my thoughts are consumed by all of this, I will be gathering a few memories and favorite photos of the loved ones that visit me in my dreams...  Please tune in again to hear about Marcus Joseph Brown, Matthew Joseph McCurry, Patricia Louise Bird Freking (Memaw Pat), Henry Freking (Pops), Martha Louise Higdon Pollard (Granny), Alvin Byron Teel (Daddy T), Arvin James Pollard (Papaw), and more about Proctor!

How do you remember the loved ones you've lost? Tell me in the comments below.